Old Spice Guy
Character Profile

Race: Human

Gender: The man your man could smell like


Exotic-car-throwing-contest champion winning, firearms and horse expert.


A (space) boat


Manly-smelling Gunnery Chief

Hello, ladies, look at your Gunnery Chief, now back to me, now back at your Gunnery Chief, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a Cerberus military vessel with the Gunnery Chief your Gunnery Chief could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now guns! Anything is possible when your Gunnery Chief smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse.


Old Spice Guy enjoys many extra-curricular activities, such as:

  • Polishing his championship medals from exotic car throwing contests
  • Wrestling
  • Dancing
  • Wrestling bears
  • Dancing with bears
  • Interior decorating
  • Building orphanages for children while playing the orphans sweet lullaby on his xylophone-abs
  • Chopping down large trees
  • Baking gourmet cakes in the dream kitchen he built for you with his own hands
  • Opening conversations with 'hello ladies' and ending them with a monocle smile
  • Practising nose CPR on Alyssa Milano
  • Bringing women fragrant flowers and a handwritten note from his heart to their doorstep via his bare feet running over the California mountains

When on the ship, Old Spice Guy's hobbies include cleaning the guns to have the guns your guns could function like, as well as turning the guns into bigger guns when you look at your hand and back to him. He's also a campaigner for male hygiene, working tirelessly to promote better mansmells with all the male crew, who he believes to be lady scented. The exception to this is Damien Shepard, who he believes to smell so manly that it would be wrong if he felt anything less than extremely sexually attracted to him.

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.