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Assbutt

Artist's depictation of Assbutt Shepard

"*fartz*"

Assbutt Shepard is a Commander on the Normandy SR-2. Known for her alcohol abuse, lack of tact and manners and general instability, Assbutt is usually too drunk or tired to actually command. Assbutt is father to Amada Shepard and married to Garrus Vakarian.

Pre-Normandy SR-1Edit

"Just like dad always told me: 'Assbutt, when going to Jamaica, make sure to bring a Corgie.' I dunno what that means, but I live by it."

Assbutt was born on earth and raised by her mother (her father died in her infancy robbing a liquor store.) Her mother was an alcoholic red sand addict, who was neglectful and generally unfit to care for Assbutt. Although the origins of her name are sketchy, Assbutt insists the name is Krogan for 'delicate virgin flower.'

Taking part in gang crime as a teenager to make ends meet, Assbutt joined the Alliance Navy at the age of 18 after seeing a Dr Tran movie. Although intially regretting the move, Assbutt excelled in the forces due to her inability to comprehend anyone else's emotions or point of view and her general disregard for her own safety. Assbutt famously sent 3/4th of her unit to their deaths on Torfan in order to kill a Batarian officer, who had called her fat.

SR-1Edit

"The first Normandy was okay, but between Alenko's bitching and regulations about drinking and all the people dying, it was a real downer."

Assbutt, once moving up to Commander, quickly converted her ship to a party ship, which required crew to skull beers, win at Guitar Hero and have a dance-off to keep their positions (and sometimes earn promotions) on the ship. She rescued the Rachni Queen on the condition that they name their first military swarm "Assbutt is awesome and no one is cooler or prettier or smarter than her". Although she generally lived by the saying bro's before ho's, she chose to save Kaidan Alenko on Virmire because she couldn't be assed running all the way to Ashley Williams. She later romanced Alenko famously saying "If I'm going to risk dying on Ilos, then I'm gonna get laid doing it, Alenko. And Joker has that weird bone thing." Alenko later mentioned that he fought on Ilos with a smashed pelvis, and accuses Assbutt of being neither woman nor Krogan.


Assbutt chose to ignore the Council on the basis, again, of sheer laziness.

SR-2Edit

"How come we can rebuild me, but we couldn't make my farts sound like a Vuvuzela?"

After being rebuilt by Cerberus, Assbutt was determined to be as terrible and as negative as possible upon being informed that doing so would reward her with awesome Terminator cyborg eyes. However, her plans hit a bump in the road when she recruited Garrus, whom she immediatly began to secretly write fanfiction about because she felt they were the OTP. Eventually, after Alenko ditched her on Horizon THAT ASS WHAT A COMPLETE DICK WHAT THE HELL IS HIS PROBLEM I MEAN SHE WAS TOTALLY GOING TO MARRY HIM AND EVERYTHING I HOPE HE GETS HERPES, Assbutt began to pursue an awkward romance with Garrus, which ended in a lot of chafing and Garrus crying in the foetal position until arriving at the Omega 4 relay.

Assbutt made it out with everyone except for that... guy. The black dude. I forget his name Jacob Taylor, and not only destroyed the base, but proceeded to throw a massive 'Fuck The Illusive Man' party, which killed 6 people.

Post CerberusEdit

"Garrus is my soulmate, my lover, my friend. I am truly, madly, deeply in love with Garrus... um... shit.... I think it's an H name. GARRUS HANSON!"

Assbutt suffered a brief meltdown and dissapeared to Kahje for a while, where it's rumoured she licked over 400 Drell. After returning to the SR-2, she and Garrus continued their relationship and eventually eloped. Assbutt also learned an Asari she dated briefly during her Alliance training had fallen pregnant and had her daughter, Amada Shepard.

Whenever she's not drinking, Assbutt enjoys playing rodeo, farting, and crying uncontrollably for hours on end over what appears to be nothing. Assbutt recently took to wearing a top-hat, super-glued a moustache to Garrus' face and started her own detective agency. They're currently trying to solve the case of where the hell Zach's weed went.

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